Tumbling Over Sea

never got what i really really wanted.
but got what i needed instead.

i guess birthday wishes do come true.
well, it’s the first step anyway.

happy for you.

:)

music used to speak to me in volumes. in most of the songs i hear, i almost always find a line or two that i can somehow relate to.

for the past few days however, i can’t seem to connect. not even to my own playlist.

although i did ask for this. to not feel anymore.

it just feels weird. feels new. to not think, not feel anything. just sounds flowing through.

if wishes came true, even only on birthdays, this would be for me this year (i’ve thought about this for several weeks):

i wish that you’d find your happiness.

“i really need to remind myself that yes, i am worth it. even if most days, the Universe seem to disagree.”

Universe - 1,000,000,000,000
Me - 0

i’ll be turning over a new year in a few days which got me to thinking, what have i done in the past year?

have i been who i wanted to be?

can’t really answer this directly as i honestly don’t know who i want to be. i guess i want to be me. am comfortable in my own skin. although there are a lot of doubts as to self-worth, at the end of the day, that’s who i am. let me answer the question like this:

for all the major decisions i have made, for all the choices i took, for all the emotions i have felt, all that was made with all sincerity that what i chose to do/think/feel was right at that time. i won’t enter into morality issues but what i can say is that whatever i chose to do/think/feel, they were real for me. and they felt natural, easy, and simply the right think to do. like how your face falls into the outline on your favorite pillow. all those were…comfortable.

the struggle was fighting this naturalness to do the “right” thing.

but who is to say what is “right” anyway? a lot of it is in grey. but what i do know was that i was sincere and it was done in love. hopefully even the small things, but done with great love.

do i regret anything i did over the past year?

i used to say i don’t regret anything, but i could not help but really try to bring things back like before. am not so sure now if do not regret having told her that i liked her, that i really really liked her. we used to be the great buddies, and i could share everything, and she could too.

and because of me, i ruined a perfectly great friendship. she’d often ask me if there was something that she could have done to prevent this, and i said no. which was true. but it should have been me who stopped myself.

although now, we are staring to be friends again, i still could not help but wonder if i just kept my mouth shut. that’s water under the bridge, and nothing can be done except to work hard hard on rebuilding this. i have come to value this friendship too much to easily let go.

but as i said, i did what i did, and said what i said because at that time, it was the right thing to do. i could not let another waking hour pass without telling her what i really felt.

have i touched someone’s life positively? significantly?

i don’t think so. i guess this is where i fail.

——

the past year has been such a roller coaster. i found new friends, explored new places, new experiences. but the most significant would be i found one great person, and felt decided for one great love.

i loved her.

i loved her with all sincerity and with all willfulness i could muster.
i loved her even when i didn’t feel like loving.
i loved her in the most comfortable of moments.
i loved her in the most troubling times.
i loved her in the everyday, in the mundane, in the extraordinary.
i loved her, even when impossiblities were the only recourse.
oh how much i loved her.

if only i could put into words how much…but words just fail me right now.

unfortunately, she will never know.

not now, not ever.

still doing the best i can to accept the fact that she never has, she never did, and she never will love me back.

and that should be alright.

sleep hasn’t been a good friend lately. for the past few nights, it has been difficult to fall asleep. and when i do, i jolt up in the middle of the night, heart racing, and a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

hey,

thanks for listening. really appreciate it. i could tell you stuff that most would find appalling for me to just even think about, without being judged.